Curfews: A discussion of curfews for teenagers

by Corrie Lynne Player
author of Loving Firmness: Successfully Raising Teenagers Without Losing Your Mind

I’ve devised an effective curfew setup for teenagers, but it’s by no means the only way to go. Use whatever works best for you in your situation; some teenagers respond better to indirect guidance while others want and need strict discipline and very short reins indeed. In conjunction with the teachings of your religious leaders, your interpretations of their writings, and your own understanding of your child, you should think through just what you want to accomplish. Once you’ve figured it out, write it down so you won’t forget.

The principles of teen curfews are similar to the principles for teen discipline. In order to be effective, curfews for teenagers should be specific, consistent, and enforced. If any of these three requirements is missing, you may as well have no curfew at all.

Curfews for Teenagers Must Be Specific

Teenagers ought to be consulted about appropriate curfew times because they need to know that they can influence their environment in order to develop their decision-making ability. But they cannot have the last word (although they’ll try their darnedest). As the parent, you have the obligation and right to set the standards in your home.

During the years that several dozen teenagers passed through my doors, the Three Phases of Teen had three different curfews.

When my children reached twelve years of age, they came under the rules designed for the first phase, Early Teen. Those hours were 9:00 PM on school nights. Sometimes 9:30 was appropriate, but every twelve- and thirteen-year-old needs to be in bed and asleep by 10:00, so curfew at our house was 9:00 for this age. On weekends or holidays the time was 11:00 PM. That hour gave plenty of time for going to the movies or hanging around with friends. But in order to stay out until 11:00, the kids must have had a particular activity.

Kids in the second phase, Middle Teen, had a 10:00 PM deadline on school days and 12:00 midnight on weekends and holidays.

The third phase, Late Teen, had the same school-day deadline, but they could stay out until 12:30 or 1:00 AM on weekends and holidays (except Saturday nights, which infringed on the Sunday observances that were important to our family). Again, there had to be a specific reason for staying out that late—no “just hanging around.”

Curfews for Teenagers Must Be Consistent

Make sure that you stick with whatever curfew you establish—write it down if you need to. And don’t let your teenager talk you into changing it “just this once.” If a special occasion warrants an additional hour, be sure that you aren’t granting more than one exception every few weeks or month. If you are, you should re-figure your curfews because consistency is much more important than specific times.

Occasionally, one of the kids objected to “being treated like a child” or “being forced to report all the time.” But I pointed out that I told them when I left and when I came home; people who care about each other observe such courtesies. I also apologized profusely if I forgot and failed to tell anybody what I was doing. As I said, specific hours and terms aren’t as important as how dependable you are.

Curfews for Teenagers Must Be Enforced

How did I know the hours I set were obeyed? I made sure the time limits were strictly observed. Without fail, my children checked in with me when they came home—night or day. They also told me when they left for a dance, band practice, movie, or party.

I had to spell this rule out more than once, and it included when they left to “take somebody home” after returning from a date or outing. I was a nervous sort and could never really rest until everybody was accounted for. I also insisted that each returnee give me a hug and a kiss. This simple act of affection allowed me to keep tabs on more than their bedtimes.