Controlling anger and disciplining teenagers

by Corrie Lynne Player
author of Loving Firmness: Successfully Raising Teenagers Without Losing Your Mind

There are three rules for controlling your anger when you want to be effective in disciplining your teenager:

1. Only get mad at your teenager when your anger will accomplish something.

2. Keep the focus on this particular escapade.

3. Take your time to respond.

First: Use Anger Judiciously when you want to discipline a teenager
People who live with teenagers are usually in a state of constant turmoil. Screaming can become a habit; it’s much better to try to speak in a normal tone of voice. Sometimes, your efforts to control your temper may make you sound like somebody with a computerized larynx. But if you reserve your loudest comments for important confrontations, you’ll be much more effective. Otherwise, you’ll be tuned out and turned off. You’ll end up using stronger and stronger discipline methods to get your kid’s attention, and you could find yourself wielding a two-by-four to convince him to pick up his socks.

Second, Focus on the Here and Now
By avoiding personal attacks and just describing how I felt, I kept my son from becoming defensive. Since he already knew he’d over-stepped his limits, he accepted that some form of punishment would be forthcoming. I’ve discovered that teenagers, like two-year-olds, learn best if their actions directly correlate with the consequences. Sometimes that correlation is painful, but if it’s fair, it’s tolerated and behavior changes.

This particular sixteen-year-old earned a two week, Class Three grounding for his midnight movie escapade. In our home a Class Three meant no television, no telephone or Internet use, no computer games, and no going out with friends. In his case, it also meant “no driving for a month.”

Third: Take Your Time to Respond
Your discipline will be more effective with a little patience. By waiting until my rage cooled on the night of the midnight movie escapade, I had a chance to tap into help from a Higher Power. I was able to think everything through and devise a suitable punishment. I believe that God stands ready to help parents and that if you pray and then listen closely to your conscience, you can be guided to do the right thing.

As the years have marched on and as various teenagers have progressed through our home, I’ve leaned more and more on prayer as a parenting and discipline tool. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that, although the foster kids we handled were increasingly damaged and difficult, the household was usually peaceful.

Spend a little time brainstorming about what things bring you peace. Barring bloodshed over who used the last clean towel (which would mean I would have to do the laundry), I always took fifteen minutes every morning to lock myself in my room with the scriptures. A dear friend liked to read biographies of the saints at least a half hour a day; she set her alarm early to have the time. Another friend spent fifteen or twenty minutes before going to sleep at night to reflect and meditate so that her mornings started on a positive note as soon as she woke up.