FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Abuse
978-0-9728071-9-7 • Fay Alldredge Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin • Paperback • 5½" x 8½" • 208 pages • OCT 2005 • $13.95
Wives and girlfriends trust their husbands and boyfriends to protect and provide for them. Even in today's two-income world, the security and peace of a joyful home is critical to a woman's well being. Women who suffer domestic violence, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, and other forms of abuse suffer the deepest form of betrayal, with emotional effects that are difficult to understand and overcome. In Shattered,
Fay Klingler and BettyAnne Bruin provide six steps that will lead betrayed women through the emotional trauma of abuse to recovery and a happy and fulfilling life.
When it comes to something like betrayal, you probably don't have to look hard to find someone with a personal experience. Some betrayals are harsher than others and cause a bigger impact, like in the case of Mark Hacking.
Thelma Soares said last Monday she felt shattered and betrayed to the very core because her daughter was killed by the man who made covenants to love and protect her. Interestingly, a new book is coming out next month called "Shattered." Thelma Soares wrote the foreword.
At Mark Hacking's sentencing hearing his mother-in-law, Thelma Soares, spoke openly about Hacking's betrayal. In a statement she said, "I loved that young man as if he were my own son, so his betrayal is profound."
Fay Klingler, Co-Author of "Shattered": "She'll feel that for a very long time. She'll probably feel that the rest of her life."
Fay Klinger co-authored the book "Shattered", which details six steps to help people recover from betrayal.
Fay Klingler: "Anyone who has experienced betrayal from the simple to the major go through those same steps."
The steps include becoming aware of the betrayal, taking action and learning to stand up for yourself, and advancing your life and moving forward toward your goals. But that can be hard if you've been severely betrayed.
Dorann Mitchell, Licensed Clinical Social Worker: "The most significant thing that happens in betrayal is we end up having trouble trusting ourselves."
In the Hacking case, Lori's family didn't know about Mark's lies and betrayals until it was too late.
Dorann Mitchell: "Often we, in the name of our love and care and concern for another person, overlook the red flags."
But the book's co-authors say if you keep your eyes open, you can always see signs.
Bettyanne Bruin, Co-Author of "Shattered": "Defensiveness. In a normal, healthy relationship, a person should be able to ask a reasonable question and get a reasonable answer."
A betrayer may also rationalize his or her behavior, manipulate or transfer guilt.
Bettyanne Bruin: "They actually turn it around and say, you think I have a problem. You have a bigger problem."
These women say they've been betrayed themselves and it is possible to heal.
Fay Klingler: "Life can become sweet again."
Thelma Soares wrote one of the forewords to this book. In it she said her heart goes out to all those who find themselves in a situation like Lori's and hoped they had the courage and fortitude to take the steps to protect themselves against betrayal.
They're victims of abuse but their scars aren't always visible. In this Healthy Living report dealing with the trauma of emotional abuse. Fay Klingler and Maryann Bruin are co-authors of the book "Shattered." It's intended to be an inspirational look at overcoming emotional abuse a form of abuse characterized by lies, cheating and manipulation.
"You invest yourself in another person with your life, your trust with your hope and dreams and when you find out those good things you've invested in have been manipulated and you've been used, that leaves a horrific scar," said Maryann Bruin.
The authors say notable examples of emotional abusers include Mark Hacking who lied and deceived his family and ultimately ended up killing his wife Lori…Joe Waldholtz who went to prison for stealing from family members and affected his wife Enid's political career, and bomber Mark Hoffman who masterminded a forgery scheme and ultimately ended up killing two people.
In all three cases, family members say they were unaware of the lies and manipulation the author's say, that's not uncommon.
"If you take cases like Mark Hoffman's wife Dorrie Olds and Lori Hacking and you see there were signs, that those things were occurring, but sometimes we want desperately for our relationships to work out, even though those signs come up, we don't hit them in the face," said Fay Klingler.
There are signs that someone is an emotional abuser: Their words don't match their actions They are often unreasonably defensive They have a tendency to minimize problems A sense of unreasonable entitlement Often act agitated
Emotional abuse isn't just between spouses it can happen between business partners, friends or parents and their children.
The authors say victims can heal once they make the decision to face the truth and stand up for themselves.
"This is what I stand for, this is what I believe in. will you go there with me and if not, I'll go there without you," said Klingler. "An Evening of Emotional Abuse Awareness" is a program that will take place Saturday evening and will include information and resources for emotional abuse victims.
We define healthy self-esteem as "the experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and worthy of happiness" — and being responsible and accountable for our actions and results. This vibrant book meets our definition throughout. Shattered is a "proactive book." It makes you think as you read. And if you apply just one of the ideas, you'll be well on your way to recovery and forgiveness.
Sharon Fountain, President, National Association for Self-Esteem
Betrayal and loss of trust can have many faces in a variety of relationship situations and often ends up leaving the betrayed party with feelings of loss, guilt, anger, depression, and absolute emptiness in trying to face each day. Klingler and Bruin give hope to those who have lived in the pain and darkness of betrayal (no matter what the cause), and gently guide them on their journey into the light, as they take their lives (and their power) back. Real people's stories combined with a focus on unending faith provide love, kindness, and hope to all who seek to heal.
Mary Jo Fay, R.N., M.S.N. Speaker, columnist, "survivor," and author of Get Out of Your Boxx! And Live the Life You Really Want
This book is filled with clear explanations and concrete examples of the devastating phenomenon of betrayal, which continues to wreak havoc in increasing numbers of lives and families. Fay Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin offer specific suggestions and sound encouragement for recovery, along with the knowledgeable insight of people who have been there. More than anything else, this book is a beacon of hope.
Carolyn Campbell, author of Reunited: True Stories of Long Lost Siblings Who Find Each Other Again
Pornography has become an "invisible affair" for millions of individuals whose partners do not consent to this form of infidelity in their relationship. Despite those who claim pornography is harmless fun, many lives are devastated by its impact. Shattered offers insight and perspectives for those wanting to confront and overcome this form of emotional and physical betrayal in relationships.
Rory C. Reid, Licensed Therapist Co-Author of Discussing Pornography With A Spouse
is a most beneficial tool in the recovery of a betrayed person. It chronicles in a clear, systematic way on how to navigate the different phases of betrayal. The Domestic Violence movement realizes that there are many stages on this journey from victim to survivor and each stage is plagued by adversity. Shattered is a wonderful guide to keep at hand to let you know that what you are feeling is quite common, and most assuredly, that you are not alone. I also believe that what Shattered has to offer is applicable to any difficult situation, not just betrayal. I know that I will recommend this book to any woman making the transition from victim to survivor. I truly think it's fabulous!
Barbara J. Wandyes, Executive Director, The R.O.S.E. (Regaining One's Self-Esteem) Fund
offers a powerful look into the lives of individuals who have suffered the devastating effects of betrayal and worked through the process of recovery. There is no shortage of information and advice offered to victims of abuse. However, Shattered picks up where other books leave off. This book breaks the recovery process into six manageable steps that focus on all aspects of recovery from physical to emotional and beyond, realizing that all elements must be addressed to truly recover from the effects of betrayal. This book focuses on the fact that recovery is a process that can have wonderful, lifelong, and positive changes for good.
Rebekah Clements, Zero Tolerance to Domestic Violence Program Coordinator, Weber County, Utah
While the adult entertainment industry basks in its 60-billion-dollar-a-year profits from the production and distribution of explicit materials, marriages are being devastated by the impact of pornography at an unprecedented rate. Readers of Shattered will find straightforward answers to confronting all forms of infidelity and sound counsel on recovering from these forms of emotional betrayal, including the impact of pornography on committed relationships.
Bishop George Niederauer Catholic Diocese of Salt Lake City and President, Utah Coalition Against Pornography
The six-step recovery process delineated here draws on the authors' personal experiences with domestic betrayal. Betrayal here is defined as the act of being disloyal to a person who believes you are being loyal, often by doing something hurtful (e.g., engaging in extramarital affairs, being dishonest, leading a double life). The six steps-awareness, acceptance, action, authorization, accountability, and advancement-are clearly explained; interspersed throughout are the real-life stories of eight individuals who have successfully worked through the recovery process. Besides their pragmatic, down-to-earth advice-shot through with their religious beliefs but which readers of any faith could embrace-the authors offer several worksheet tools and a suggested reading list of resources. This title nicely updates Janis A. Spring's After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful,
supplements Patrick J. Carnes's The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships,
and covers more types of betrayal than Rory C. Reid and Dan Gray's Discussing Pornography Problems with a Spouse: Confronting and Disclosing Secret Behaviors.
Recommended for public libraries.
Library Journal, Sep 1, 2005
The authors of Shattered have put together an empowering book, including firsthand accounts of what it feels like to be innocently absorbed into, survive, and escape the painful world of betrayal. There are no miracle cures for abuse and violence. The advice and counsel provided in these pages can provide a path away from the violence. It comes from those who have been there, experts who know all the ins and outs of this life-altering tragedy and how to recover and once again lead a happy, successful, and productive life.
Rita Smith, Executive Director, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
I have been waiting for a book like this since I began my counseling career in 1974! Shattered sets aside theory about what causes betrayal and moves to concrete application of problem-solving skills in dealing with the losses of betrayal.
The theme of this vibrant book is that blaming and rage rob one's soul of energy and peace. Promoted is the power of healing and of moving forward after hurt. The reader is guided to personal growth, accountability, and even forgiveness—yet is taught clearly about setting boundaries to unacceptable behaviors.
Shattered also gives hope to the betrayer.that beyond error often lies redemption. The spiritual nature of humankind is given center stage to extend direction to those violated and those who perpetrate.
Dr. J. Kent Griffiths, Doctor of Social Work, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist